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Subject: Visiting My Brother at College part 4 I wake up to an almost dark room. The sun is down, but there's still a little light in the sky. I check the time on my phone, 7:30. There's a pair of messages from Toby too. Toby Auclair: 114 Sullivan St. apt B-301 Toby Auclair: people are coming around 9 I look across the room at Reed. He's still sleeping, but he rolled onto his back at some point. His mouth is hanging open, which shouldn't be attractive but somehow is, and he has one arm up over his head, pulling his shirt up and showing a bit of his stomach. I sigh. What the hell am I going to do about this? I look back at my phone and send a quick reply to Toby, telling him I'll be there, then I go find the website of a pizza place he pointed out earlier as having the best in town. They have online ordering, so I order a large sausage and mushroom, Reed's favorite, to be delivered here. I can't stand mushrooms myself, but I can pick them off. With the pizza ordered, I pull my feet up on the bed, lean back against the wall, and just watch Reed. *quot;Like that,*quot; he said. He can't be with me *quot;like that.*quot; Part of me wants to scream, *quot;but you already were, so yes, you fucking can,*quot; but I don't think it would help. So it's back to plan A, which I've managed to derail twice so far: pretend things are normal, and focus my sexual attentions on someone else. Reed shifts in his sleep and murmurs something I can't hear, and the hand that had been resting on his chest lowers to cup his crotch, rubbing it lightly. Of course he's not going to make this easy. Thankfully the hand moves back to his chest after a few seconds. I sit in the dark for about fifteen minutes before my phone buzzes with a text that my pizza has arrived, and I slip on my shoes to go out and get it. I have to hold the outside door open and wave to the guy in the car so I don't get locked out. I turn the lights on when I get back into the room but Reed doesn't wake up, so I go over and nudge him on the shoulder. He flinches and jerks back when he wakes up, breaking my heart a little, and blinks up at me. *quot;There's pizza if you want to get up,*quot; I say, rubbing the back of my neck. *quot;Umm, Toby invited me to some thing at Jessica's place, and I think I'm going to go there after I eat.*quot; He wipes a hand down his face and looks at his phone, *quot;Shit, I forgot about that. I told Jess I'd be there too.*quot; He sniffs, *quot;Sausage and mushroom?*quot; I nod. *quot;...Thanks.*quot; He gets out of bed and I walk back to the couch and grab a slice from the box before sitting down. He takes the box and grabs his own slice before putting the box on the floor and sitting next to me. The six inches between us feels like too much and too little at the same time. I'm picking the mushrooms off my own slice when he holds out a hand in front of me. I look at him questioningly and he rolls his eyes, so I drop my mushrooms in his hand. He always takes my mushrooms, I always take his pickles. I suddenly burst into laughter. *quot;What?*quot; He asks, looking at me like I'm insane. *quot;Ahh... haha... aahh,*quot; I try to catch my breath, *quot;I was just thinking... heh... how I always take your pickle!*quot; He blushes furiously and then bursts into laughter too. *quot;Jesus Christ, you're disgusting,*quot; he gets out between laughs. *quot;You're never gonna give me a pickle again now, are you? Pleeeaase, I love pickles!*quot; I tease him. *quot;Oh, I know you do, even if I don't get it,*quot; he chuckles. *quot;Don't worry, you can still have my pickles.*quot; He bumps his shoulder into mine. Maybe we're going to be okay. I ask him how his studying went and he looks at me shyly, then reaches down to grab another slice of pizza. *quot;Umm, I didn't really get much studying done,*quot; he says. *quot;To be honest, I just needed to go somewhere quiet and think.*quot; He pauses to take a bite and chew. *quot;I'm sorry I ditched you, I know this weekend was supposed to be about us, and I really wanted to show you around town... Maybe tomorrow?*quot; *quot;That's okay. Actually, uhh, Toby showed me around already. We hung out for a couple hours this afternoon.*quot; He seems a little disappointed, but he nods. *quot;Actually, I think it was kind of a date?*quot; *quot;Oh,*quot; he says and stops chewing for a second. *quot;Oh, ok. So he invited you to Jess's as..?*quot; *quot;I dunno, he actually invited me before we hung out. But we kissed,*quot; I blush, remembering it, *quot;and he said he likes me, so maybe it's kind of a date too?*quot; Reed nods for a good twenty seconds without saying anything. *quot;Cool. That's cool,*quot; he says eventually. *quot;Toby's a good guy.*quot; He's still nodding and scrunching up his forehead. *quot;So, you were out with Toby, and you kissed, and then you were back here, and I walked in on you...*quot; He covers his face with his hand. *quot;Shit, Dev, I'm sorry I yelled at you.*quot; *quot;Umm, it's okay,*quot; I say. *quot;I know how it looked, and I could have been smarter about... doing that. I mean, you have a bathroom that locks.*quot; He chuckles, *quot;Yeah, Eric tends to take forty-five minute 'showers' on weeknights.*quot; I grab another slice and he holds out his hand for my mushrooms again. We don't say much while we finish eating, but it doesn't feel tense. It just feels like we don't need to say anything. I'm full after two slices, Reed eats three, but since he eats faster than me anyway we finish about the same time, and he tosses the rest in a plastic bag and puts it in the mini-fridge. He looks down at himself and then up at me, and asks, *quot;Should I shower and change or do I look okay?*quot; *quot;You always look good,*quot; I say before I can think. *quot;I mean, you're fine. The yellow works well for you.*quot; I pause and purse my lips. *quot;You might want to comb your hair though, it's sticking up a bit.*quot; He snorts. *quot;Look in a mirror, dude, you're in full dandelion mode.*quot; I rush into the bathroom, and see that though he was definitely exaggerating, I do look a bit like I've been rubbing a balloon on my head. Fucking Scandinavian hair. I wet it down with water and then work a comb through it until it sort of looks okay, while Reed stands behind me smirking. When I'm finished he steps up, wets his fingers, and fixes his hair in about ten seconds so that it looks perfect again. *quot;You're such an asshole,*quot; I mutter. Reed rummages in his wardrobe and comes out with two bottles of water and passes one to me. *quot;It's vodka,*quot; he says. *quot;But be careful, these guys go pretty hard.*quot; He also grabs a six-pack of beer from the mini-fridge and splits it into two bags, handing me one. It's almost 9:00 by the time we leave the room, so I send a quick message to Toby that we'll be a little late, and follow Reed. I have the address, but Reed says he knows where we're going, so I don't bother looking it up. He says it's in the South Campus neighborhood, an area just off the actual campus where a lot of students live. The night is a little chilly, more than last night anyway, so we walk quickly to keep warm. Jessica's place turns out to be an apartment in a big complex with four different buildings, and Reed leads us to the second one, up some outside stairs to the third floor, and to a door at the far end. I can hear people laughing and talking inside and a little music. Reed rings the bell and after about twenty seconds, Jessica opens the door. *quot;Reeeed!*quot; She yells, then notices me, *quot;And Devin!*quot; She gives us both hugs but holds onto Reed's arm after, pulling him into the party. The door opens into the kitchen, which is a little weird, but most of the apartment seems to be one giant room, with a doorway on one side that must lead to the bathroom and bedrooms. The only thing marking any separation of space is the linoleum tiles in the kitchen area. There's a short beer pong table set up in the kitchen, with a couple of guys I don't recognize playing casually against each other, and the rest of the room is filled with couches and chairs in a big circle. Jessica leads Reed over to one of the couches and pulls him down next to her. I spot Toby sitting on the floor in front of a gas fireplace on the other side of the room. He's wearing a grey cardigan over his purple button-up now, which makes him look a little nerdy but totally hot anyway. He grins at me and nods to the floor next to him, so I walk over and sit down next to him. *quot;Hey, I'm glad you came,*quot; he says, putting an arm around my lower back and pulling me closer until our hips are touching. I look around a little nervously. No one really seems to be paying attention. *quot;Does everyone here know you're bi?*quot; I ask him. *quot;I haven't really put a label on it,*quot; he shrugs. *quot;But people know I go for what I want, and like Reed says, I flirt with everyone, so it can't be too surprising.*quot; He pauses and gets a cute little smirk on his face, *quot;You're the first guy they've seen me do anything like this with, though.*quot; He leans in kisses me on the cheek. I look around again. A couple of people are looking, but no one seems to care. I hear someone to my right say, *quot;Reed's brother.*quot; Reed is looking. I grab the bottle from my bag and take a swig of vodka. Toby introduces me to some of the people around us. Sitting on a couch next to him is Janna, a dark-haired girl with olive skin who is apparently Jessica's roommate and *quot;can drink anyone under the table,*quot; and next to her is her boyfriend Riley, a cute guy with scruffy blond hair, really pale blue eyes, and big lips. To my right, also on the floor, is Amanda, şişli travesti a tall, heavy-set girl with long black hair and a lot of makeup. Janna and Riley are mostly talking to each other, but Amanda seems cool. She has a very laid back and sarcastic personality, so I think we would get along, but I'd rather just be talking to Toby. Looking around the room I also see Jake, John, and Alex from yesterday, plus a few of the people Reed introduced me to at the party whose names I don't remember at all. Jake seems to be very deliberately not looking at me and has positioned himself as far as he can get from both me and Reed, sitting in a chair next to some brunette. I'm a little annoyed because it's not like I'm going to out him to everyone against his will, but whatever. He was a second choice anyway. I rest a hand on Toby's leg as a reminder of that, and notice Reed glancing at me again. Okay, third choice. *quot;Okay!*quot; Jessica shouts after about twenty minutes. Most of the party shuts up and looks at her. *quot;Drinking game time!*quot; The two guys over at the beer pong table are still laughing and playing, and she glares at them. *quot;Miles, Pete, drinking game time!*quot; *quot;We're already playing a drinking game!*quot; Yells back the one closest to the door, a skinny skater-type guy. *quot;Group drinking game time, Miles! Get the fuck over here!*quot; Miles sighs, throws the ball into one of his own cups, and he and Pete walk over and squeeze their way onto separate couches. *quot;Ok, so, what should we play?*quot; Jessica asks. Miles groans and throws back his head, *quot;Oh my God, you interrupted our game for this? Pick a fucking game first.*quot; *quot;King's!*quot; Someone shouts and several people boo, but Jessica seems excited. *quot;Yes, King's!*quot; She says, and gets more boos. *quot;Oh come on, it's the best game for a big group.*quot; Toby whispers in my ear, *quot;You're going to want to switch to beer for this, if you don't want to die of alcohol poisoning.*quot; His breath is so warm, I know he's leaning closer than he needs to. That's confirmed when he nips my ear lobe with his teeth before pulling back. I yelp and slap his leg, then look around embarrassed, but no one seems to have noticed. Except for Reed, who raises an eyebrow at me. I shrug back at him. Jessica starts laying out a deck of cards in a circle around what can only be described as a pimp chalice while explaining the rules. I've never played King's Cup before, but the rules sound pretty simple. Someone draws a card, each card has a different meaning usually requiring someone, or everyone, to drink. Toby can tell me if I forget anything. Jessica starts the game by drawing a six, and yells, *quot;Dicks!*quot; I'm a little confused but Toby nudges me and I drink, apparently all the guys in the room do. Reed draws the next card, a four, and laughs as he yells, *quot;Whores!*quot; All the girls drink at that. A few more people go and I drink two more times before someone draws a King. They pour about half of their beer into the pimp chalice and say, *quot;Okay, new rule: no pointing.*quot; People groan. The circle keeps moving, and soon someone draws an Ace and yells *quot;Waterfall!*quot; I turn to Toby and he explains that the person who drew the card will start drinking, and then the person to their right, all the way around the circle, and no one is allowed to stop drinking until the person to their left has stopped. The person who drew the Ace starts, and before long everyone is drinking from their beer or glass. I notice most people taking tiny sips and try to imitate them, but even then it seems to last forever before people start to stop. Janna stops drinking, but Toby keeps going, grinning at me with his eyes. This fucker. I can't stop until he stops, and I feel like I've been chugging forever. Finally Amanda reaches around behind me and slugs Toby in the back. He cries out and spits a bit of beer, and I stop drinking to laugh. Amanda stops and says, *quot;fucking asshole.*quot; Toby's laughing with me now and I elbow him. *quot;Sorry,*quot; he says, *quot;you just looked so panicked and adorable.*quot; Eventually it's my turn and I draw an eight. Toby says to pick a mate, someone who has to drink any time I drink. I pick Reed and point to him across the circle. *quot;Hey, no pointing,*quot; Jess yells, *quot;both of you drink.*quot; *quot;Damnit bro, you're gonna get me drunk again,*quot; Reed scolds me. He doesn't seem to notice saying *quot;again,*quot; a reminder of last night, but I notice. A few cards later it's Riley's turn, and he draws a five. *quot;I never!*quot; Jess yells. I've played *quot;I never*quot; on its own before, but Toby explains that everyone puts up three fingers, and starting with Riley someone will say something they've never done, and if you have, you have to put a finger down. When all your fingers are down, you have to drink. Riley starts with, *quot;I never kissed a guy.*quot; All the girls boo him and put a finger down, but so do me, Toby, a guy I don't know, and Reed. I'm kind of surprised Reed is willing to admit it, but no one's really paying attention to him. The girl to Riley's left says, *quot;Ok, well I NEVER DID ANAL,*quot; glaring pointedly at Riley, who flips her off but puts a finger down along with Janna. I blush and put a finger down too, and so does Toby next to me, plus a couple of other people around the room. Reed still has two fingers up and is looking at me strangely. The next few seem to be directed at specific people like *quot;I never went to Garfield High School.*quot; *quot;I never slept with Jessica*quot; makes Reed put down a finger and I shift uncomfortably. Toby notices and leans in to whisper with a chuckle, *quot;Dude, I'm sure it's awkward, but he knows you've done anal now, I think you can handle knowing your brother has gotten laid.*quot; I blush and don't say anything, because he's totally right, but that's also not why I'm bothered. By the time Jessica is up no one has lost yet, but Reed and I are both down to one finger now. Jessica grins at Reed and says, *quot;I never saw the northern lights.*quot; Huh. So he's told her about that. I look to Reed, and he meets my eyes and smiles softly, putting down his last finger at the same time I do. *quot;Cheers, bro,*quot; he says, lifting his beer in the air, and I return the gesture. We both take a long sip and when I finish he's still looking at me. I wonder if he's remembering that night like I am. It was about a year and a half ago, the March before Reed left for college. Our parents wanted to do a big family trip for Spring Break before he moved out, going to see our *quot;ancestral homelands.*quot; We spent a week in Scotland looking at old castles, eating shitty food, and getting rained on, and then a week between Iceland and Norway. My mom always wanted to see the northern lights, so after three days in Reykjavik and two in Oslo, we went to this town called Alta in the far North of Norway for one last night before flying home. We hired a guide in the town who drove us out into the middle of nowhere, a clear spot near the water, and set up a little camp where we would wait for hours in the dark hoping to see something. There was a small fire, but I hadn't dressed warm enough, and it didn't do much good. I was sixteen and I cared more about looking good than being comfortable, so my coat was too thin, and I hadn't worn a hat because they mess up my hair. I must have spent the first hour shivering and complaining about the cold before Reed sighed, unzipped his own coat, and pulled me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me and resting his chin on top of my head. He was so warm, and his body enveloped mine perfectly. I'm not sure I've ever been as comfortable as I was with him holding me then. I still felt the cold a little, but it didn't matter anymore. After about half an hour standing like that, something appeared in the sky. It started as just a little wisp, almost like a cloud, or like the mist of our breath, but slowly it grew into a glowing green ribbon which seemed to dance and twirl around itself, pink twisting in with the green as it spread to cover most of the sky. *quot;Wow,*quot; I whispered. *quot;Yeah,*quot; Reed breathed and squeezed me a little tighter. The display only lasted about ten minutes before fading away, but I'm told we were very lucky to see that much, that sometimes there's nothing all night, and sometimes it's just a faint glow. The whole time Reed held me close. Toby's nudging me. I smile softly at Reed, who smiles back, before turning to him. *quot;That's super cool, dude, you'll have to tell me about it sometime,*quot; Toby says. I look at his eyes, which kind of remind me of the lights. I suddenly want to be held, and lean my head on Toby's shoulder, pulling his arm up around my own shoulders. *quot;Sure, Toby. Anytime,*quot; I say. The rest of the game passes with a good bit more drinking, and I have to stand up a few times to draw a card or to satisfy some rule, but I always snuggle up back to Toby after. As we drink he's getting a little more cuddly also, pressing kisses to the top of my head, stroking my side from my ribs to my hip, fiddling with the belt loop on my jeans. And it's not quite what I wish, and I know I'm chasing some sense of comfort from the past that I've probably built up in my head, trying to recreate a moment which no other could ever live up to, but this is nice too. When Miles finally draws the last King and has to drink the full chalice, everyone cheers. I think mainly they're just happy the beylikdüzü travesti game is over. Jessica briefly tries to get another one started, but everyone seems to prefer just hanging out and talking. A few people, John and Jake included, go outside to smoke, and Miles and Pete go back to beer pong. Janna turns to me and Toby and asks, *quot;So, Devin, how long have you and Toby been going out?*quot; I glance at Toby who just tilts his head at me before I answer. *quot;Actually, uhh, we just met yesterday.*quot; *quot;Wow, Toby, moving fast,*quot; Janna laughs. *quot;And with a high schooler.*quot; *quot;Oh fuck off, Dev's a cool guy,*quot; Toby flips her off with his left hand, and squeezes my hip with his right. I notice he doesn't dispute that we're *quot;going out.*quot; I realize I didn't really dispute it either. I don't know what that means, but whatever we're doing feels good right now. *quot;Oh, I'm sure you tell all the kids you think they're cool before you offer them candy to get in your van,*quot; she cackles. She then turns and calls across the room, *quot;Hey, Reed, are you really going to let Toby defile your innocent baby brother?*quot; I'm embarrassed but also angry. *quot;I'm already thoroughly debauched, bitch, and Reed doesn't get a fucking say in it,*quot; I snap at her. *quot;Umm, what he said,*quot; Reed calls back. He meets my eyes and smiles the tiniest amount before going back to chatting with Jessica. Janna gapes at me, then laughs, *quot;Okay, I can see why you like him, Toby.*quot; She holds up her glass toward me, *quot;Cheers to debauchery, Mini-Reed.*quot; I don't particularly like the nickname, but I'll take the peace offering, so I tap my water bottle of vodka to her glass and then take a swig. When I look back at Toby he's grinning broadly and dips his face to kiss me. He tastes like peppermint and when I start to pull back he puts a hand on my cheek to stop me and runs his tongue across the crease of my lips. I let him in and our tongues meet, just the tips wrestling for a moment before he pulls away, biting my lower lip lightly and tugging it. He rests with our noses pressed together and whispers, *quot;Dude, you're so hot.*quot; When we finally separate Janna is making loud fake gagging noises, *quot;Christ, you two are way too fucking sweet for people who just met yesterday. Come on Riley, let's go bother Miles.*quot; She drags her boyfriend off the couch and over to the kitchen, and he gives a little wave to me and Toby as he follows. Toby chuckles. *quot;Want to take their spot on the couch?*quot; I just put my face on his chest and breathe in. He smells like cinnamon and woodsmoke, with just a hint of peppermint from his breath. *quot;I'm cozy here if you are.*quot; *quot;Never cozier,*quot; Toby says, stroking my arm. *quot;Janna can be a lot,*quot; he explains softly, *quot;you just can't take her too seriously. I think she likes you though. She's not that much of a bitch to people she doesn't like, as weird as that sounds.*quot; I just hum in response. Toby moves his hands up to my head and starts stroking my hair. *quot;Holy shit, your hair is so soft. It's like petting a cloud,*quot; he says. I snort into his shirt. *quot;Yeah, I know.*quot; I twist around so that we're facing each other and I'm practically sitting on his lap. I reach up to twirl a lock of his hair around my finger, *quot;I like the way yours curls like that. I wish my hair did anything naturally other than stick out.*quot; He smiles and leans down to kiss me again, not really moving, just pressing his lips to mine. Someone yells, *quot;Oh my God, get a room!*quot; Toby laughs into my mouth and then pulls back to yell, *quot;Fuck off, Pete, or we'll break in and use yours.*quot; He looks back at me, and whispers, *quot;You know, I do have a room. A single. If, you know, you want to go somewhere else.*quot; I bite my lip, and nod. *quot;Fuck yeah.*quot; I scramble to my feet and pull him up with me. I look around and see that while we've been in our own little world, almost half the group seems to have left. A few groups and couples are still sitting around talking, a pair of guys in one corner seems to be in a very passionate argument about Locke and Rousseau, and Janna and Riley are heckling Pete and Miles while they continue to play beer pong, but most of the people I know are gone. Most notably, Reed and Jessica are missing. I walk over and ask Janna, *quot;Hey, uh, where did Reed go?*quot; *quot;I think Jessica is defiling him,*quot; she snickers. *quot;They disappeared down the hall like ten minutes ago.*quot; *quot;Oh, okay.*quot; I try not to think about Jessica with my brother and keep my face blank. *quot;Could you let him know I left with Toby?*quot; *quot;Sure thing, I'll let him know you asked, but I wouldn't let you borrow my handcuffs or whip.*quot; I blush and shake my head. *quot;Okay, cool. Thanks.*quot; The night doesn't feel as cool anymore, and I don't know if it's the drinks, or holding Toby's hand, or just the excitement of our destination, but I'm actually sweating a little. I hope Toby's not grossed out by sweaty palms. He doesn't seem to care, he's smiling the whole way back. I've been doing a good job not thinking about Jessica and Reed, but that changes when we reach the dorm. Toby lets us in and we get to the second floor. His room is to the left, but I glance to the right at Reed's door and suddenly I'm thinking about him in Jessica's room. In my imagination her room is painted red, and she has one of those old Hollywood vanities with the giant circular mirror, and a massive king size bed covered in red silk sheets, and she's wearing lacy red lingerie, and he's sitting on her bed like he did on his own last night, his shirt off, rubbing himself through his pants, and he's telling her that she's the best, that he loves her, that he wants her mouth on his dick, and my stomach is clenching. It's fucking ridiculous, and my imagination is an idiot, but it still makes me sick to think about. And for some reason it turns me on too, because I'm painfully hard in my tight jeans. Toby notices I've stopped moving. *quot;Are you okay, you still want to do this?*quot; He follows my line of sight, *quot;You need something from your room?*quot; *quot;Umm,*quot; I try to think quickly, some excuse why I stopped, because yes, I definitely still want to do this. I need to replace the images in my head with something better. *quot;Do you have lube? I have some in Reed's room.*quot; Toby laughs and brushes my arm, *quot;Yeah, I've got everything we need, for... whatever you want to do.*quot; He pulls me in for a quick kiss. *quot;Come on.*quot; He takes my hand and I follow him down the hall. His room is three doors down and across the hall from Reed's. Room 204. His whiteboard has a big pink heart drawn on it with *quot;Toby